Pillow talk isn’t just something you hear about on episodes of Sex & The City — it’s a real connection tool that can have the power to improve your relationship with your partner(s) for the better. As someone who went without it, in my previous marriage, to having it now, I can tell you: pillow talk can do really special things for your sex (and regular) life.
“For some folks, pillowtalk is important because it’s a way to be emotionally intimate,” Amanda, also known as The Kink Consultant, tells Playground, “In addition to the physical, it can really solidify a full mind and body connection.”
Should you try pillow talk? Is it actually beneficial? Will it make you feel sexier? With the help of Amanda, a certified sexologist and kinkster helping couples explore their sex lives, we’re here to help you understand pillow talk — and how to get even closer to your lover, below.
What is pillow talk?
First things first: What is pillow talk? Depending on who you are, and your life experience, you might have a different definition of this seemingly elusive act. But here at the School of Sexology, we define it as the moment spent in bed with a partner(s) before or after sex.
Essentially, it’s a special time to chat about your day, the sex you just had, what you loved or didn’t about a steamy session, and hell, even what you want to have for dinner together. It doesn’t matter what you talk about — more so, it just matters that you’re there, present and awake to your lover and what they have to share.
What are the benefits of it?
Believe it or not, there are so many benefits to spending a little extra time in bed with your spouse, new date or even a FWB.
In one recent study, it was found that the simple act of increasing the number of minutes couples spend engaging in post-sex pillow talk can result in increased relationship satisfaction — especially for men. But regardless of where you fall on the gender spectrum, pillow talk can be the thing that ignites even deeper connection, a better sex life and, of course, more fun and hot moments with your honey.
According to The Kink Consultant, though, one of the biggest benefits of pillow talk is the safe space it can create for folks to be more vulnerable, share their feelings and be even more bold in their sexual expression
“This can range from sharing how much you love and appreciate your partner, to how attracted you are to dirty talk and that you want to explore it more,” Amanda shares, “It can also be a good time to give the go-ahead for less standard acts like anal or playing a little rougher than usual.”
Whatever you decide to use pillow talk for, the benefits of snuggling up and chatting far outweigh the alternative: going straight to bed, skipping out right after doing the deed or rushing off to your busy schedules.
3 ways to spice up your pillow talk (if you’re into that sort of thing)
Pillow talk can be sweet, of course, but if you’re looking to learn how to spice up your pillow talk, there are ways to get there. Maybe you’re the type of person that feels a little shy expressing what you like sexually — or maybe you’re feeling ready to be bold with your words — or maybe you’re wanting to ask your lover if they like that one thing you did. But spicing it up doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be as easy as:
1. Bringing up what you loved about the sex sesh
“Pillow talk is a great time to bring up how much you loved things you and your partner have previously done together,” Amanda suggests, “Say something like “I love it when you put your hands on my hips last time, can you do that again? It can really start to get the juices flowing because it allows you and your partner some time to envision what’s about to happen.”
2. Talk about what you want to engage in
Remember: pillow talk is a time where you can talk about the type of sex you want to engage in.
Within that, you can be as subtle or as blunt as you want — but we recommend fully laying it out on the table.
For example, Amanda adds, you could say something like “I am fully clean ‘back there’” as subtly or you could be more blunt and say “I want to try anal.” Both options convey the same exact same message — but you get to choose your own comfort level for how you talk about your desires.
3. Bring toys (and lube) into the mix
Say you’ve been wanting to try out a new toy — or even add a new lube, like Playground’s Pillow Talk — to the mix. Pillow talk is a great time to bring this up. We recommend saying, “I loved XYZ, but I really would love to see how it feels to use this toy or this lube.” You could even bring them out and look at your collection together (or shop online) in anticipation of your next night together.
Do pillow talk and kink mix? How?
Pillow talk isn’t just for one group of people, either. Whether you would call yourself a sexual aficionado, you’re just starting to explore what you like or you identify as a kinkster, pillow talk can speak to all. If kink, specifically, is your thing, it can be a really great time and place to talk about it with your partner(s).
“If you’ve done the groundwork to negotiate boundaries and share fantasies, pillow talk can be the perfect way to introduce a kinky scene to your sex,” Amanda explains, “For example, you could start a specific power exchange role play like admin assistant and boss. One partner can introduce the concept by asking “Did you get a chance to deliver the briefs I requested?”’
Pillow talk doesn’t need to be reflective of a real life situation. It doesn’t require outfits or props, it can be the spark that ignites a full on fantasy.
Ready to bring pillow talk to your bedroom?
Let’s bring pillow talk and Pillow Talk lube to your bedroom. But before you do, remember:
• Make sure to establish regular check-ins with your partner.
• Prioritize your non-sexual communication — foreplay often starts before you even reach the bedroom.
• Both partners feeling seen and heard is the foundation for a good connection. Try reading books that can bring that to the forefront, like “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment”
