Nervous. Excited. Confused. Overwhelmed. Dating after divorce comes with a whole range of big emotions. Where to meet someone? Is Matt from Match.com, who likes traveling and cooking, really looking for a life partner, or is he lurking in the background waiting to catfish you? Are you hot enough? Interesting enough? Is anyone out there “normal”? Will you ever find the right one?
And, just when you figure out how to start dating after divorce and find someone who gives you butterflies! There’s the awkwardness and insecurity that come with getting naked with a new partner for the first time in years (or maybe even decades). It’s a lot to wrap your head around.
Craving Intimacy After Divorce
Deep breath. There’s hope. There’s (sex) life after divorce, and it can be better than you ever imagined. True story. Check out this study by The Journal of Gerontological Social Work, and scroll down a bit. Here’s our favorite tidbit:
“... after a period of disorientation, women often found divorce to be sexually empowering.”
Sexually empowering! That was found to be especially true when there wasn’t much sexual pleasure in the marriage. So, if you were in a sexless marriage or a long rut, there’s hope!
Ready to learn how to have great sex after divorce? Read on, my friend! Things are about to get spicy!
Relationships After Divorce: When is the Right Time?
First thing, first. Let’s talk timing. When is it okay to start dating after your divorce? Of course, everyone is different, and a zillion factors come into play when it comes to timing. The only rule is that there isn’t a rule.
This is interesting, though. You're not alone if you are divorced and started to think about dating early on.
According to a research study conducted by Worthy, 78 percent of women have already started thinking about dating by the time their divorce papers are signed. Diving back into the dating pool can be fun and exciting, especially if you and your partner were on the outs for a long time.
If you’re one of those remaining 22 percent who isn’t quite there yet, that’s okay, too. It’s not uncommon to wait. Maybe you are waiting until your kids are older or are out of the house. Or are you just enjoying some me time? At the end of the day, you need to be emotionally ready for a connection.
Sooo… let’s talk a bit about what that looks like (and how to get there!).
1. Make Sure You’re All In
Close one door and open another. Simple enough, right? For some. For others, jumping into a new relationship doesn’t get rid of the old hurt.
If you’re not sure what went wrong in your marriage or are still secretly hoping that you’ll run into your ex at the grocery store, well, you have some work to do. Take some time to work through your pain and grief.
If you find yourself constantly replaying scenarios from your past relationship, set aside 15 minutes per day and allow yourself to ruminate. Then, tell yourself it’s time to move on for the day and find some other distractions.
Take care of yourself by getting plenty of sleep (it’s hard to regulate your emotions when you’re tired), eating well, and working out. Need to get rid of some pent-up energy? Experiment with solo sex. After all, who doesn’t love a post-break-up glow-up? The more you take care of yourself, the better you’ll feel.
If nothing seems to work, consulting with a professional is always a good way to go.
Working through your breakup isn’t always linear. There will be good days and bad days. Over time, though, you’ll feel less conflicted and ready to be in a new place. If you’re dreaming about meeting someone new or jetting off to the islands with a new crush, you’ll know you made it, and you’re ready!
2. Let Go of Your Guilt
Dinner was so romantic. You talked non-stop all night, and one thing led to another. Your partner was caring, sweet, and, wow, so amazing under the sheets.
If everything is so great, why are you feeling like you’re cheating on your ex?
It’s not unusual to feel guilty after your first post-divorce sexual encounter. Believe it or not, that’s understandable. You were with another person for a significant amount of time. You knew everything about that person’s body: likes, dislikes, habits, and more. And now, here you are with a different person.
Switching gears from “I’m married” to “I’m unattached, and I can have sex with whomever I want” can take a hot minute. But you don’t have to feel guilty. Repeat after me, “I am single, I am single.”
Seriously, though, if you don’t eventually get over your guilt, you may want to assess whether you’re ready for a new sexual relationship.
3. Be Kind to Yourself (and Patient!)
Maybe your body isn’t the same since you’ve had kids (um, whose is?). Or you have wrinkles and gray hair in places where you wish you didn’t. Or, you’re going through menopause and can’t have an orgasm without lubrication. What is your new partner going to think?
Newsflash: unless your partner is Benjamin Button, which is highly unlikely, they aren’t getting any younger, either.
Everyone ages, and your partner probably feels as insecure as you do. Getting naked, being intimate, or being vulnerable with someone new can be daunting.
Solution? Go slowly, communicate your likes and dislikes, and never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Also, make sure you have a good lube on hand!
4. Tell Yourself That It’s Okay to be Sexually Different Than Before
So here’s something that you may not have thought much about. Have your sexual preferences and values changed over time? If so, that’s okay! Single you can be open to things that married you might not have ever considered.
Thinking about your divorce as a fresh sexual start opens your mind to the idea of new partners, new outfits, positions, games, experiences…
It’s a whole new level of exploration. And play!
Just think. You may not have been into vibrators when you were younger. Now, though? Maybe you’re thinking, “Bring it!” Your ex didn’t feel the need to discuss your sexual fantasies? Maybe your new partner is up for some roleplay. Naughty repairman? Some light Christian Grey style BDSM? A sexy exhibitionist strip tease?
Nope, it’s not as far out as you might think. According to the Journal of Sex Research, almost half of all adults surveyed expressed interest in participating in at least one type of nontraditional sexual activity. Over thirty percent had done so at least once before.
Redefining your values will not only lead to more pleasurable experiences but also help you reframe your sexual persona so you can form a better connection with your new partner.
5. Practice safe sex!
You’ve done the work, you’re excited about a fresh start, and you’re ready to put yourself back out there. Before you press “Like” or agree to get coffee with the hottie you’ve been eyeing, add “STD check-up” to your to-do list. Even if you don’t think there were any indiscretions while you were married, you and your prospective partner should both have total peace of mind.
Even then, remember to have condoms on hand… and use them! Yes, you have to trust your partner, but you’ll never know what they aren’t telling you.
Plus, you really don’t want an unplanned pregnancy, especially if you’re just starting to rebound from your divorce. Did you know that even women in perimenopause can get pregnant? Even if you don’t get regular periods, you can still ovulate sporadically. Better to be safe than sorry!
Some Final Thoughts About Intimacy After Divorce
Now that we’ve dished about dating and sex after divorce, we want to leave you with one last thought. If you’re craving intimacy after divorce, please try your best to set your fears aside. Being single and dating again allows you to rediscover your sexual self, and can be oh so empowering!
Your first few dates or sexual encounters may be exactly what you’ve been waiting for (celebration dance!). Or, after all the hype, they may not turn out quite as you expected. That happens sometimes, too. All is not lost, though. Take some time to process what happened and try, try again. The right connection is out there waiting for you. As they say when it comes to winning the lottery (and the odds are much better when it comes to relationships!), you have to play to win.
