Menopause and perimenopause have a reputation for being the ultimate body plot twist. One moment you’re fine, the next you’re sweating like you ran a marathon in cashmere, crying at a dog food commercial, or snapping at your partner for chewing too loudly. The mood swings, the hot flashes, the night sweats — it’s like your hormones suddenly decided to moonlight as drama queens.
“When a woman’s body feels unpredictable, desire is the last thing on her mind,” Alison Theiss, a sexologist and board-certified sex coach, tells Playground, “Mood swings can make a woman feel irritable or disconnected, while hot flashes bring this wave of heat that pulls them right out of the moment. Both interrupt the sense of safety and relaxation that intimacy needs.”
And yet, intimacy doesn’t have to vanish during this hormonal rollercoaster. In fact, with the right mix of communication, humor, and tools (yes, lube counts as a tool!), couples can use this stage to get creative, deepen their connection and even discover new kinds of pleasure.
The Emotional Wild Card: Mood Swings and Intimacy
We get it, mood swings don’t always equal feeling hot and sexy. That can mean that intimacy may get pushed down the priority list. Desire doesn’t thrive in chaos. But — and this is important — it doesn’t mean desire disappears. Sometimes, the body asks for space. Other times, it craves closeness.
“It depends on what’s going on emotionally,” Theiss explains. “For some women, the symptoms feel overwhelming, and they just want space. For others, it’s a craving for reassurance and closeness, ‘hold me so I know I’m still me.’ Both responses are normal.”
Feel a hot flash coming on?
Hot flashes are the body’s version of “surprise, we’re heating the room!” They can hit anytime — while cooking dinner, watching Netflix, or right in the middle of sex. That can derail the vibe.
“Hot flashes can be awkward and embarrassing, especially in a new relationship, but it helps to normalize them,” says Theiss. “Pause, grab some water, laugh about it together. It doesn’t have to ruin the moment unless you let it.”
And yes, you can plan around them, too. “Cool sheets, fans by the bed, and timing intimacy earlier in the evening before symptoms peak can make a big difference. Some couples even keep a chilled towel or cooling spray nearby; it becomes part of their routine, rather than a disruption,” she adds.
Mood swings and hot flashes don’t just coexist; they bounce off each other. A night sweat can leave you irritable, while irritability can make your body more reactive.
That’s why communication is the bedrock of your time in the bedroom.
“Silence can load a relationship with assumptions and kill intimacy,” Theiss says. “Couples need to talk openly about what’s happening, without shame, as this helps keep the emotional bond intact. Even saying, ‘I’m not in the mood tonight, but I’d love a cuddle,’ keeps the connection alive.”
And if the unpredictability feels overwhelming? A reset button can help, too. According to Theiss, couples need to take it less personally.
“Having a ‘code word’ or pre-agreed pause button can help couples reset instead of spiraling into an argument.”
But did you know that masturbation can help?
Here’s where science brings a twist: self-pleasure can actually help manage symptoms.
A recent clinical study from the Kinsey Institute found that after just four weeks of self-pleasure, 92.9 percent of participants reported at least one menopausal symptom appearing less often — especially fewer mood swings and feeling better rested. The biggest benefits showed up in women who reached orgasm regularly.
Theiss agrees that products aren’t “extras” but essential tools.
“Lubricants, cooling gels, breathable fabrics — these are not ‘extras,’ they’re tools for pleasure. They take pressure off the body, allowing you to focus on connection instead of discomfort.”
Translation? Masturbation (solo or with a partner’s encouragement) is not only fun, but therapeutic. Think of it as medicine with a side of fireworks.
Lube is also your menopause MVP
Let’s talk lube — because if hot flashes are turning up the heat, you don’t need friction adding more friction to your love life. Hormonal shifts can reduce natural lubrication, which can make sex feel uncomfortable. A good lube doesn’t just “fix” dryness — it adds glide, ease, and a whole lot of joy.
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Love Sesh Lube: A clean, water-based essential that has 3x the hyaluronic acid concentration compared to other lubricants! Plus, the added glycerin can truly boost your hydration, making intimacy feel effortless, whether solo or partnered. Perfect for those nights when your body says nope to natural lubrication.
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Miracle Melts: Hydrating vaginal inserts that melt into moisture. They don’t just prep you for intimacy — they help with everyday dryness, making your whole body feel more balanced.
Think of these as your allies! Lube and hydration products are like your little backstage crew, handling the details so you can focus on pleasure.
How to keep intimacy alive
So, how do couples keep the spark glowing through the ups, downs, and hot flashes?
“Partners who lean into curiosity — ‘What do you need right now?’ — instead of defensiveness build trust,” Theiss says. “It’s less about fixing and more about being present.”
She also wishes that more couples had honest conversations about shifting desires. “Too often, men interpret it as ‘Are you cheating on me?’ or ‘You don’t love me anymore.’ And when women try to explain, many hear back, ‘That’s just another excuse.’ That kind of defensiveness shuts everything down. The better conversation is: ‘My body is shifting; how do we adjust together?’”
Here’s the good news: this phase isn’t just about managing loss — it can be about gaining depth.
“When couples navigate menopause with honesty and creativity, they often discover a deeper layer of intimacy,” Theiss says. “Desire becomes less about performance and more about connection, making intimacy even richer.”
In other words? Mood swings and hot flashes may crash the party, but with the right mix of humor, lube, and self-pleasure, intimacy doesn’t just survive. It evolves.
