Ever wondered if your libido is on autopilot, derailed, or just on vacation without notice? Girl, you’re not alone — and guess who’s got your back? Dr. Viviana Coles, the sex and relationship therapist extraordinaire (and a Married at First Sight fave!)
She’s diving into the quirks of desire — what’s truly normal, what’s just you being human, and how to actually talk about it without dread or drama.
“There’s no universal standard for what’s ‘normal,’” says Coles, coined as The Intimacy Expert and author of The 4 Intimacy Styles. “It’s about understanding each other’s intimacy needs, not counting how many times you’re having sex.”
We asked Dr. Coles to break down the myths, the stressors, and the conversation tools that can help you feel more in sync — both with your partner and with your own body.
“Help! We’re Sexually Mismatched—What Now?”
Here’s the tea: mismatched libidos are basically relationship wallpaper (every room has got it.) So… what do you do if you’re sexually mismatched?
“It’s one of the most common concerns I see in my practice,” Dr. Coles says. She’s seen it all — and reminds us that it’s not about tallying frequency — it’s about getting each other’s intimacy style.
Her book, The 4 Intimacy Styles, is kind of like a decoder ring for your bedroom needs, helping you meet in the middle and find what works for the both of you, including what might ignite your sexual desire compared to your partner.
Desire differences are common, resentment is optional
When one partner wants sex more often than the other, it’s easy to assume something’s wrong. But Coles emphasizes that desire differences are “incredibly common” and not necessarily a red flag.
“What matters is how you handle them,” she says. “Compromise feels collaborative—you both feel seen and respected, even if the solution isn’t perfect. Resentment grows when one person feels obligated, pressured, or ignored.”
If one partner avoids the topic completely or belittles the other’s needs, she notes, that may point to deeper compatibility issues that need to be addressed.
Talk about it… but not in bed
If you’re nervous about bringing up mismatched libidos, Coles suggests using “I” statements and steering the focus toward connection, not criticism.
Try saying something like, “I miss feeling close to you” or “I’d love to talk about how we can make intimacy more fulfilling for both of us.”
And timing is key. Skip the pillow talk for this one and talk about it in a neutral space.
“Don’t start the conversation in the bedroom or during an argument. Pick a calm moment when you can both really listen,” she says.
Why stress hits libido so hard
Stress doesn’t just dampen the mood, it can completely hijack your body’s ability to get turned on. “Instead of feeling safe and open to intimacy, your body is stuck in survival mode,” Coles explains.
For many women, that’s compounded by emotional labor and household responsibilities. “There’s little mental space left for pleasure, so sex gets pushed to the bottom of the to-do list.”
Burnout, anxiety, and overwork can also show up as lower desire, trouble with arousal, or feeling disconnected from your body. Sometimes, the opposite happens, though, where folks use sex as a form of escape.
Either way, Coles says, it’s your body waving “a big red flag that it needs rest, balance, and care before it can get back to wanting pleasure.”
When to loop in a doctor
If your libido changes are sudden, long-lasting, or affecting your well-being, Coles recommends talking to a medical provider. Hormonal shifts, medications, and underlying health issues can all play a role — so don’t wait until things feel “bad enough” to seek help.
Myths worth ditching
One of the most damaging? That desire inevitably disappears with age. “It doesn’t have to,” Coles says. “With the right emotional connection, health care, and sometimes hormone support, intimacy can stay vibrant for decades. I’ve seen couples in their 60s and 70s prove that firsthand.”
Reconnecting with your sexual self
If you’re struggling to feel good in your body, Coles suggests starting with nonsexual touch—massage, gentle movement, or mindful self-care—to rebuild comfort in your own skin.
She also uses tools like her My VIVID Fantasy quiz to help clients spark excitement again. “Reconnecting with your sexual self starts with reconnecting with your body in ways that feel safe and enjoyable.”
Your sex drive isn’t “gone”
Even if your libido has been missing for years, Coles says it’s not gone forever — it’s just waiting for the right conditions to return. “With emotional support, intentional practices, and sometimes medical guidance, you can absolutely rekindle it,” she says.
That rekindling doesn’t have to be spontaneous, either. Some people have spontaneous desire (wanting sex “out of the blue”), while others have responsive desire (wanting it once intimacy starts) — both are totally valid. Removing the pressure for your libido to “perform” in a certain way can help you focus on connection instead. Scheduling intimacy, for example, can create anticipation and make space for play, whether that’s with a partner or solo.
But there are some products that can help you set the scene, too. Our Mood Maker bundle — with Playground’s body & intimacy oil — is designed to help tune you into your body, while the Playdate bundle (vibrator + lubricant) can help you set ~the vibe~.
The TL/DR here? There’s no single “normal” when it comes to libido. What matters is curiosity, communication, and a willingness to create the conditions that make desire possible, whatever that looks like for you!
Meet Dr. Viviana Coles
Dr. Viviana Coles, DMFT — Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Certified Sex Therapist, and intimacy expert. Author of The 4 Intimacy Styles: The Key to Lasting Physical Intimacy. Creator of VIVID Relationships and frequent media voice on all things sex — and yes, she’s that expert voice you trust from her years on Netflix’s Married at First Sight.
Find her at DoctorViviana.com or @DoctorViviana.
